God works in many different ways.

Thirty years after the fact, it can happen to you. Someone can say, I know you! I remember you. You were a hooker. Do you admit it or lie and deny your truth about yourself?

Me, Deborah (Smith) Ferris, while at my job, divorced mother of four, gainfully employed adult with adult children attending college, on the receiving end of verbiage from a wedding guest in a restaurant with adjoining bar, said, “Hey, I know you! I met you at Church three years ago” He whispered in my ear, “ I hear that you were a hooker”.

Then and there I felt like a hooker. I was wounded once again, but more like the infected wound, the never healed wound, open smelly and rotten wound, can never forget about wound, and of course the why me wound, has resurfaced itself with it’s reminder… Whore! Slut! No good! Non-human status.

Thirty years after the fact, “I lost it”! Sobbing! I called my support group leader Jim . He told me, “You can make it Deb”.

I franticly and deliberately, frantically decided to do a Google word search under “healing from effects of Prostitution” and any other word search that would lead me to the answer. Surely I was not the only prostituted woman in America trying to bury her shameful past.
That day something said, "Don't go".

I went to work that day against my inner voice. (Always trust your gut, it’s God talking to you; it is what SAVES you) But, (the proverbial "BUTT" word) God (or my higher power as you might describe it) used my grief from this revolting situation to bring me to a search for hard answers. There is hope for me.

WOW! I found it!

SexIndustrySurvivors.com.

I read about all of “my” symptoms that described all of the personality traits that I hated about myself, even now: My swagger, the need to be seen, to be beautiful, the false bravado of all eyes turned, and of course the need to control men with my beauty. That impoverished sense about me where I still feel afraid to stand on my own two feet and earn a living wage with my talent, the need to be taken care of, to be spoon fed by others.

I read Anne Bissell’s story “Memoirs of a Sex Industry Survivor”. It helped me. I related to her life and I was able to understand the nuances about myself that do not necessarily go away after 30 years of stuffing. I saw so many resemblances in Anne’s life and my frightful childhood. There is no safety net for unwanted children, that we can all be prey. And, I am beginning to understand why I've felt so down in the mouth, picking up where “they” (the johns) left off, is that I end up prostituting myself in not being the best Debbie I can be! It is insidious! At 49, I am picking myself up by my bootstraps afraid! No man to hide behind. I am now learning to live in the present. I have come to realize that the one person I haven't forgiven is “myself” for the foolish things I did.

Anne Bissell’s book, gave me special validation that I need to go forward.

Today, I am job-hunting. And God ‘is’ providing. I am an over comer! I am created for good works. I can do all things thru faith in my higher power (Christ) who strengthens me! Amen. And if I can help another woman realize her value to herself, to God, and to society, my suffering was worth it.

Bless you in your work Juliette and may God give you strength. Thank you for your courage to tell the truth. You have helped affirm me with missing pieces in my puzzle.

This is warfare! This is Honorable and Holy work.

Love,

Deborah Smith

Gainfully Employed, Mother of Four
Alcohol Free,
Sex Free

The prayers of a rightous Womb-man availeth much!
St. Paul